It's the Pits

Welcome to the latest edition of 'Something for the weekend', and we'll start with some good news - seems that the guys stuck in a mine in Chile should be rescued soon. Apparently, they will all be brought up from the depths wearing sunglasses to protect their eyes after so long in the dark. I wonder which company got THAT sponsorship deal.

What a party it should turn into. As well as the families and friends keeping a vigil in the temporary village, there are already hundreds of journalists in situ waiting for the first miner to come up next week. My bet is that some enterprising soul has already set up a mobile bar - now that's my kind of pit-stop.

To be honest, when this story first broke some weeks ago I was a little surprised that no one used the headline "Shafted!". But perhaps even The Sun subs ain't quite as sick as me...

But good news is rare, isn't it? Especially if you're from Deutchsland. The BBC headline 'Germans killed in drone attack' shouldn't have made me laugh but did. Who'd have thought that such allegedly humourless people would die from the attentions of a conversational bore? Or maybe I just misinterpreted it.

In the UK, meantime, Hastings Pier was 'engulfed and destroyed by fire'. When I was a lad and Old Shep was a pup I spent many a happy hour on that pier while on a five-month residential journalism course in St Leonards. Game local girlies and mucho tins of beer. It got quite hot and steamy at times but I don't recall the place ever catching fire. Must try harder...

Oddly enough, when I lived in Blackpool the same thing happened. And then when I lived in York the Minster went up. On the latter occasion my mother phoned from London to ask if I'd misplaced a box of matches.

Hastings Pier was a couple of dickhead drunks, Blackpool Central pier was a complete accident and York Minster was an act of God. Most of us call it 'lightning'. This is all a long way from the methods used in Muslim extremist terror attacks, but bear with me.

That particular dubious link is because it seems there’s currently a terror alert for Americans travelling in Europe. Surely the joke's on the terrorists, though? Right now, Americans can't AFFORD to come to Europe.

Bloody terrorists - remember, you should never trust anyone who's only ever read one book.

And as for their martyrdom methodology - hmm. Go blow yourself up to be greeted in Heaven by 53 virgins. Right. Fifty-fucking-three!!? Which committee thought that one up? As Billy Connolly memorably said: "Give me two fire-breathing whores, anyday! And how are you going to shag 53 virgins when you're flying mince?" You can just hear the suicide bomb instructor saying: "Lads, I'm only going to show you this once."

But occasionally peace breaks out, after a fashion - at least they seem to think so in Norway, where the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded by another committee to an imprisoned Chinese dissident. I say 'awarded' rather than 'given' as they don't actually hand the gong out till next month and a bunch of blokes in furry hats with funny voices will probably have to tunnel in through six-foot-thick walls to get it to him. "Hi. We're from Norway. Have this. No, don't mention it..."

But, really, can't the Nobel committee come up with another name for this? Giving the 'peace' prize to yet another dissident in order to thoroughly piss off a major power smacks of a lot of things but 'peace' ain't one of them.

After the announcement, the Norwegian ambassador to Beijing was swiftly summoned to a doubtless thoroughly peaceful bollocking at Rising Sun Towers. This before probably being shipped back to Oslo in a cardboard box.

For the record, I misguidedly tipped the Alan Rickman/Emma Thompson combination for the Nobel Prize for Chemistry...

Finally, in the world of sport, Europe regained the Ryder Cup, the swimmers at the Commonwealth Games got Delhi Belly from the water in the pool and Liverpool FC's much-hated American owners are whinging about maybe having to sell the club for a paltry £300 million-or-so.

To be fair to Messrs Hicks and Gillett, a 140 million quid loss is a bit of a hit to have to take and they deserve our sympathy.

Oh, hang on. Like fuck they do...