Welcome to the latest edition of 'Something for the weekend', and we'll start with some good news - seems that the guys stuck in a mine in Chile should be rescued soon. Apparently, they will all be brought up from the depths wearing sunglasses to protect their eyes after so long in the dark. I wonder which company got THAT sponsorship deal.
What a party it should turn into. As well as the families and friends keeping a vigil in the temporary village, there are already hundreds of journalists in situ waiting for the first miner to come up next week. My bet is that some enterprising soul has already set up a mobile bar - now that's my kind of pit-stop.
To be honest, when this story first broke some weeks ago I was a little surprised that no one used the headline "Shafted!". But perhaps even The Sun subs ain't quite as sick as me...
But good news is rare, isn't it? Especially if you're from Deutchsland. The BBC headline 'Germans killed in drone attack' shouldn't have made me laugh but did. Who'd have thought that such allegedly humourless people would die from the attentions of a conversational bore? Or maybe I just misinterpreted it.
In the UK, meantime, Hastings Pier was 'engulfed and destroyed by fire'. When I was a lad and Old Shep was a pup I spent many a happy hour on that pier while on a five-month residential journalism course in St Leonards. Game local girlies and mucho tins of beer. It got quite hot and steamy at times but I don't recall the place ever catching fire. Must try harder...
Oddly enough, when I lived in Blackpool the same thing happened. And then when I lived in York the Minster went up. On the latter occasion my mother phoned from London to ask if I'd misplaced a box of matches.
Hastings Pier was a couple of dickhead drunks, Blackpool Central pier was a complete accident and York Minster was an act of God. Most of us call it 'lightning'. This is all a long way from the methods used in Muslim extremist terror attacks, but bear with me.
That particular dubious link is because it seems there’s currently a terror alert for Americans travelling in Europe. Surely the joke's on the terrorists, though? Right now, Americans can't AFFORD to come to Europe.
Bloody terrorists - remember, you should never trust anyone who's only ever read one book.
And as for their martyrdom methodology - hmm. Go blow yourself up to be greeted in Heaven by 53 virgins. Right. Fifty-fucking-three!!? Which committee thought that one up? As Billy Connolly memorably said: "Give me two fire-breathing whores, anyday! And how are you going to shag 53 virgins when you're flying mince?" You can just hear the suicide bomb instructor saying: "Lads, I'm only going to show you this once."
But occasionally peace breaks out, after a fashion - at least they seem to think so in Norway, where the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded by another committee to an imprisoned Chinese dissident. I say 'awarded' rather than 'given' as they don't actually hand the gong out till next month and a bunch of blokes in furry hats with funny voices will probably have to tunnel in through six-foot-thick walls to get it to him. "Hi. We're from Norway. Have this. No, don't mention it..."
But, really, can't the Nobel committee come up with another name for this? Giving the 'peace' prize to yet another dissident in order to thoroughly piss off a major power smacks of a lot of things but 'peace' ain't one of them.
After the announcement, the Norwegian ambassador to Beijing was swiftly summoned to a doubtless thoroughly peaceful bollocking at Rising Sun Towers. This before probably being shipped back to Oslo in a cardboard box.
For the record, I misguidedly tipped the Alan Rickman/Emma Thompson combination for the Nobel Prize for Chemistry...
Finally, in the world of sport, Europe regained the Ryder Cup, the swimmers at the Commonwealth Games got Delhi Belly from the water in the pool and Liverpool FC's much-hated American owners are whinging about maybe having to sell the club for a paltry £300 million-or-so.
To be fair to Messrs Hicks and Gillett, a 140 million quid loss is a bit of a hit to have to take and they deserve our sympathy.
Oh, hang on. Like fuck they do...
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
How to blow a job
It’s been a busy week for the girls, kicked off by MEP and former French justice minister Rachida Dati. The controversial femme fatale hilariously managed to mix up the words "fellatio" and "inflation" - which sound similar in French - during a TV interview.
She told Canal Plus: "I see some [foreign investment funds] looking for returns of 20% or 25% at a time when...fellatio is close to zero." Only ‘close’ to zero? I should be so lucky...
Now Dati could be forgiven if she’d been using English or another non-French language, but for her to confuse those two words in French is baffling. It gives a whole new meaning to Mother ‘Tongue’.
Meanwhile, there’s a great new advert from Virgin Atlantic – six million quid’s worth of ‘James Bond-style’ marketing. As you’d expect, it features lots of pretty ladies in airline uniforms and is definitely worth a watch, although personally I’d rather avoid ‘Virgin’ and fly ‘Slut’.
Check it out here: Virgin Atlantic takes off with £6m James Bond-style ad push | Media | guardian.co.uk.
Meanwhile, a Lithuanian company plans to set up a holiday island in the Maldives run entirely by blondes. I’d like to avoid the blonde jokes but how, er, dumb is that? To be honest, if all the blondes in the Baltics were laid end-to-end...I shouldn’t be in the least surprised.
See the full story at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-11442920
Also on the girlie front, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Many of you will see Facebook friends posting a picture of a pink bra on their status. I’m not sure that I’m quite up for that but FB have informed me that whacking up a bare pair of knockers is not deemed acceptable. Any of the chaps think of anything else? Be honest, ladies, I can’t see you girls posting a pair of grubby thunderpants during Testicular Cancer Week.
Science was big and bizarre in the news this week with three headlines that caught the eye. First up was this classic from the BBC: 'China launches moon mission'. My first thought was ‘that's a hell of a lot of bare arses’. But it has to do with the Space programme, apparently. Or maybe you really can see 1.3 billion people mooning from Space.
The Beeb were also on the moonie, er money, with 'Ancient Penguin Unearthed In Peru.' It’s 36 million years old, apparently, and absolute proof that chocolate was invented in South America...
But the top science story for me was from the Ig Nobel awards – a sort of spoof Nobel Prize competition, although the science is real. Among the various category prizes was the biology award, which went to Libiao Zhang (China) and colleagues. They triumphed due to their work ‘scientifically documenting fellatio in fruit bats.’ I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when they justified that research grant.
Given that bats hang upside down, the soixante neuf position could be somewhat perilous, you’d think. Also, thank the Lord, the story concerned fruit bats. Well, you wouldn’t want to research the BJ technique of the South American vampire bat.
Have a peek at http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2010/oct/01/ig-nobel-awards-mould-bats
Slightly ‘cleaner’ was this week’s story about the arrest of a money-laundering ring in London. I’d just like to make it clear that if any of you have any dirty money that needs washing, simply bring it around and I'll do it.
Just don't complain if the amount seems to have 'shrunk in the wash' when I give it back.
In politics, the mayor of Moscow was given the boot by the Russian president. But he was in no rush to leave. When the news broke, Yuri Luzkhov said: "I will need several days to pick up my personal things. My awards alone take up several cupboards."
All I can say is, Yuri, let's hope there's space at the Lubyanka...
And a new picture appeared on the BBC of North Korea's elusive 'heir apparent', Kim Jong-un. OK, so the lad’s been in Switzerland getting schooled and dodging cameras and the North Koreans are notoriously secretive. But in the end, so what? He’s a chubby little bugger with a bad haircut and, to be honest, all these Koreans look the bloody same to me.
Have a look if you must at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-11441504
Finally, there’s been a ‘bit of weather’ going on in the UK. Perfectly timed to bugger up the Ryder Cup golf tournament being held in Wales. Yes, that’s right. In Wales. In October. At one point a fan on the BBC website expressed the old adage that if there’s enough blue in the sky to make a waistcoat then the weather will soon clear up. To which the commentator responded: “Right now, there’s not enough blue in the sky to make a pair of Jordan’s knickers.” Quality.
And while following the Ryder Cup it occurred to me that being under (or below) par in golf is good. But being below (or under) par in your job is bad. Silly language or just a bloody stupid game?
It does explain why a lot of golfers spend an inordinate amount of time at the ‘nineteenth hole’ though. First golfer: “I’m under par today, mate.” Second golfer: “Oh dear, you’d best have another drink then...”
Catch ya next week!
She told Canal Plus: "I see some [foreign investment funds] looking for returns of 20% or 25% at a time when...fellatio is close to zero." Only ‘close’ to zero? I should be so lucky...
Now Dati could be forgiven if she’d been using English or another non-French language, but for her to confuse those two words in French is baffling. It gives a whole new meaning to Mother ‘Tongue’.
Meanwhile, there’s a great new advert from Virgin Atlantic – six million quid’s worth of ‘James Bond-style’ marketing. As you’d expect, it features lots of pretty ladies in airline uniforms and is definitely worth a watch, although personally I’d rather avoid ‘Virgin’ and fly ‘Slut’.
Check it out here: Virgin Atlantic takes off with £6m James Bond-style ad push | Media | guardian.co.uk.
Meanwhile, a Lithuanian company plans to set up a holiday island in the Maldives run entirely by blondes. I’d like to avoid the blonde jokes but how, er, dumb is that? To be honest, if all the blondes in the Baltics were laid end-to-end...I shouldn’t be in the least surprised.
See the full story at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-11442920
Also on the girlie front, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Many of you will see Facebook friends posting a picture of a pink bra on their status. I’m not sure that I’m quite up for that but FB have informed me that whacking up a bare pair of knockers is not deemed acceptable. Any of the chaps think of anything else? Be honest, ladies, I can’t see you girls posting a pair of grubby thunderpants during Testicular Cancer Week.
Science was big and bizarre in the news this week with three headlines that caught the eye. First up was this classic from the BBC: 'China launches moon mission'. My first thought was ‘that's a hell of a lot of bare arses’. But it has to do with the Space programme, apparently. Or maybe you really can see 1.3 billion people mooning from Space.
The Beeb were also on the moonie, er money, with 'Ancient Penguin Unearthed In Peru.' It’s 36 million years old, apparently, and absolute proof that chocolate was invented in South America...
But the top science story for me was from the Ig Nobel awards – a sort of spoof Nobel Prize competition, although the science is real. Among the various category prizes was the biology award, which went to Libiao Zhang (China) and colleagues. They triumphed due to their work ‘scientifically documenting fellatio in fruit bats.’ I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when they justified that research grant.
Given that bats hang upside down, the soixante neuf position could be somewhat perilous, you’d think. Also, thank the Lord, the story concerned fruit bats. Well, you wouldn’t want to research the BJ technique of the South American vampire bat.
Have a peek at http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2010/oct/01/ig-nobel-awards-mould-bats
Slightly ‘cleaner’ was this week’s story about the arrest of a money-laundering ring in London. I’d just like to make it clear that if any of you have any dirty money that needs washing, simply bring it around and I'll do it.
Just don't complain if the amount seems to have 'shrunk in the wash' when I give it back.
In politics, the mayor of Moscow was given the boot by the Russian president. But he was in no rush to leave. When the news broke, Yuri Luzkhov said: "I will need several days to pick up my personal things. My awards alone take up several cupboards."
All I can say is, Yuri, let's hope there's space at the Lubyanka...
And a new picture appeared on the BBC of North Korea's elusive 'heir apparent', Kim Jong-un. OK, so the lad’s been in Switzerland getting schooled and dodging cameras and the North Koreans are notoriously secretive. But in the end, so what? He’s a chubby little bugger with a bad haircut and, to be honest, all these Koreans look the bloody same to me.
Have a look if you must at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-11441504
Finally, there’s been a ‘bit of weather’ going on in the UK. Perfectly timed to bugger up the Ryder Cup golf tournament being held in Wales. Yes, that’s right. In Wales. In October. At one point a fan on the BBC website expressed the old adage that if there’s enough blue in the sky to make a waistcoat then the weather will soon clear up. To which the commentator responded: “Right now, there’s not enough blue in the sky to make a pair of Jordan’s knickers.” Quality.
And while following the Ryder Cup it occurred to me that being under (or below) par in golf is good. But being below (or under) par in your job is bad. Silly language or just a bloody stupid game?
It does explain why a lot of golfers spend an inordinate amount of time at the ‘nineteenth hole’ though. First golfer: “I’m under par today, mate.” Second golfer: “Oh dear, you’d best have another drink then...”
Catch ya next week!
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