How to blow a job

It’s been a busy week for the girls, kicked off by MEP and former French justice minister Rachida Dati. The controversial femme fatale hilariously managed to mix up the words "fellatio" and "inflation" - which sound similar in French - during a TV interview.

She told Canal Plus: "I see some [foreign investment funds] looking for returns of 20% or 25% at a time when...fellatio is close to zero." Only ‘close’ to zero? I should be so lucky...

Now Dati could be forgiven if she’d been using English or another non-French language, but for her to confuse those two words in French is baffling. It gives a whole new meaning to Mother ‘Tongue’.

Meanwhile, there’s a great new advert from Virgin Atlantic – six million quid’s worth of ‘James Bond-style’ marketing. As you’d expect, it features lots of pretty ladies in airline uniforms and is definitely worth a watch, although personally I’d rather avoid ‘Virgin’ and fly ‘Slut’.

Check it out here: Virgin Atlantic takes off with £6m James Bond-style ad push | Media | guardian.co.uk.

Meanwhile, a Lithuanian company plans to set up a holiday island in the Maldives run entirely by blondes. I’d like to avoid the blonde jokes but how, er, dumb is that? To be honest, if all the blondes in the Baltics were laid end-to-end...I shouldn’t be in the least surprised.

See the full story at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-11442920

Also on the girlie front, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Many of you will see Facebook friends posting a picture of a pink bra on their status. I’m not sure that I’m quite up for that but FB have informed me that whacking up a bare pair of knockers is not deemed acceptable. Any of the chaps think of anything else? Be honest, ladies, I can’t see you girls posting a pair of grubby thunderpants during Testicular Cancer Week.

Science was big and bizarre in the news this week with three headlines that caught the eye. First up was this classic from the BBC: 'China launches moon mission'. My first thought was ‘that's a hell of a lot of bare arses’. But it has to do with the Space programme, apparently. Or maybe you really can see 1.3 billion people mooning from Space.

The Beeb were also on the moonie, er money, with 'Ancient Penguin Unearthed In Peru.' It’s 36 million years old, apparently, and absolute proof that chocolate was invented in South America...

But the top science story for me was from the Ig Nobel awards – a sort of spoof Nobel Prize competition, although the science is real. Among the various category prizes was the biology award, which went to Libiao Zhang (China) and colleagues. They triumphed due to their work ‘scientifically documenting fellatio in fruit bats.’ I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when they justified that research grant.

Given that bats hang upside down, the soixante neuf position could be somewhat perilous, you’d think. Also, thank the Lord, the story concerned fruit bats. Well, you wouldn’t want to research the BJ technique of the South American vampire bat.

Have a peek at http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2010/oct/01/ig-nobel-awards-mould-bats

Slightly ‘cleaner’ was this week’s story about the arrest of a money-laundering ring in London. I’d just like to make it clear that if any of you have any dirty money that needs washing, simply bring it around and I'll do it.

Just don't complain if the amount seems to have 'shrunk in the wash' when I give it back.

In politics, the mayor of Moscow was given the boot by the Russian president. But he was in no rush to leave. When the news broke, Yuri Luzkhov said: "I will need several days to pick up my personal things. My awards alone take up several cupboards."

All I can say is, Yuri, let's hope there's space at the Lubyanka...

And a new picture appeared on the BBC of North Korea's elusive 'heir apparent', Kim Jong-un. OK, so the lad’s been in Switzerland getting schooled and dodging cameras and the North Koreans are notoriously secretive. But in the end, so what? He’s a chubby little bugger with a bad haircut and, to be honest, all these Koreans look the bloody same to me.

Have a look if you must at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-11441504

Finally, there’s been a ‘bit of weather’ going on in the UK. Perfectly timed to bugger up the Ryder Cup golf tournament being held in Wales. Yes, that’s right. In Wales. In October. At one point a fan on the BBC website expressed the old adage that if there’s enough blue in the sky to make a waistcoat then the weather will soon clear up. To which the commentator responded: “Right now, there’s not enough blue in the sky to make a pair of Jordan’s knickers.” Quality.

And while following the Ryder Cup it occurred to me that being under (or below) par in golf is good. But being below (or under) par in your job is bad. Silly language or just a bloody stupid game?

It does explain why a lot of golfers spend an inordinate amount of time at the ‘nineteenth hole’ though. First golfer: “I’m under par today, mate.” Second golfer: “Oh dear, you’d best have another drink then...”

Catch ya next week!